It lingers.
When you have lived with a suicidal child fear takes over a vast majority of your life.
It’s just over 7 years since the worst of the depression existed.
They are better; the checklists tell us this.
They are safe. They are in a good place.
A good place is such an improvement to where we were.
When their name pops up on my phone my heart skips a beat.
I’m taken back to the time where everything was ‘difficult’.
Plans could not be made.
Leaving full time employment was the only thing left to do to have 24 hour access to them.
No sharps were allowed in their vicinity.
We slept side by side.
If I wasn’t home or with them and their name popped up on my phone my thoughts would go straight to a dark place.
Fear was overwhelming.
Overwhelm was overwhelming.
They survived it.
We survived it.
Even though things are much better my heart still skips a beat when they call me.
They say 'everything is ok’ before they say hello.
Fear; the fear of losing a child to depression changes you.
The fear I felt left an imprint; it changed me and it still lingers.
The ‘work’ is not easy.
It is a process that requires ongoing commitment and effort.
We’re almost there. I can feel it.
I’m almost there.
I can taste it.
I know it.
They know it.
Yet, it lingers.
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